It’s Not Your Fault

keepgoing1This weekend has been the hardest three days thus far in my recovery process. I cannot even begin to explain how badly I have been hurting. What really stings is that my struggle destroyed two very important relationships in my life and I don’t know if I will ever get them back.

The thing is, and what I have been struggling to understand, is that this breakdown was not my fault. After a severe relapse and the most intense depressive episode I have ever experienced, I went into my doctor for a psyche evaluation. He explained to me that this was the result of a new medication I started this week to treat symptoms of OCD. It completely threw my mood stabilizers off balance and caused a terrible reaction in my brain. The only way I can think to describe it as was this immense pressure. I was coherent – conscious of what was happening – but no matter how hard I tried to fight it, I couldn’t control what was happening.

At this point, I feel broken in a way that I have never experienced. I have spoken with my therapist two days in a row and will be seeing him tomorrow, because I admit that I need help. I need help understanding that this imbalance and this breakdown were not my fault. I couldn’t stop them. I tried, I fought, but ultimately it was a wave that nearly crushed me.

That’s not to say that I have given up – because I haven’t. Even if my heart is broken, even if my arm is bandaged and my eyes are watering, I know that surrendering is not the answer. This is where I dig deep for the determination I know I need to keep fighting. I will be going home for the next few weeks, taking a break from the stress, and reseting my mindset. I want to heal again, and I know that returning to the selfless and unconditional love of my friends and family will help me.

So to whomever this may concern, I want to say that even at rock bottom, there is hope. Somewhere in the darkness, there is a way back to the light. It may take some time to find. You may be hurting in the most catastrophic and devastating way. You may have lost all hope. But I promise you – I promise you, that you can do this. This pain you are feeling – the damage others have done to you – is not your fault. Your mental illness, the abuse you’ve suffered, the breakdowns – they are not your fault. Do not feel guilty for being sick. Never expect yourself to be able to think your way out of a depression. It takes time, it takes treatment, it takes patience, and it takes action.

I know I am struggling to do so right now, but I need you to keep your head up. I need us to work together to make it back to the light. Every step hurts, but you can do it. We can do it if we just keep trying.

I’m saying this to myself and to you this time: head above water.

It’ll be okay. It has to be.

Love,

Emma

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