Find a Reason

Screen Shot 2015-08-16 at 12.50.10 PMI think my greatest fear is not having a purpose.

Your head can be a scary place. It can tell you over and over again that you are worthless. It can leave you facedown in the dirt, wondering why no one is helping you up. If that is your attitude, I’m going to be blunt because I’ve been there before.

Stop.

Stop wallowing, don’t let your insecurities rule your life, and quit victimizing yourself. Healing doesn’t begin until you allow it to. I bottled up my trauma for four and a half years. I let it build inside and slowly tear me apart until I finally snapped. I was lucky enough to have Kate at my side when everything fell apart. She taught me, regardless of my stubborn attitude, that I could not move past the trauma until I consciously accepted what happened, sought help, and began the process of healing.

So, I started this blog. I’ve documented every step of my journey thus far. I’ve shared my secrets, I’ve admitted my faults, and I’ve found a purpose. I learned that I could help people and I’ve seen the evidence that I have. I had no clue what empathy could do until I started expressing it.

I found my purpose in both writing and in my family. I thought of how hard it must be for them to watch me unravel. They couldn’t help. So, I found incentive to really heal. I found purpose in my niece, because her love is unconditional – because she loves and trusts me and how fair would it be to her if I just gave up? I wouldn’t be able to read books with her, hold her when she’s upset, or play her favorite games. She became my reason to live, and live well.

If you are struggling to move forward, I am telling you that you have to find a purpose. Make the conscious effort to escape the control of your trauma. You are worth more than what happened to you – and I know I’ve said that a thousand times already, but you need to hear it. You need to understand that eventually, your suffering becomes wallowing. You choose to hurt. PTSD isn’t a forever thing. It’s not like bipolar, OCD, etc. which are lifetime afflictions. It takes time, patience, and a lot of effort to come out on the other side of PTSD, but it is possible. Don’t let your head tell you that it isn’t.

I am learning to not rely so heavily on others. I am learning what it means to be truly strong and independent. I am taking control of my life, no matter how scary the unknown may be. Take that step with me – take the step forward and don’t look back. Pain is inevitable, but you choose misery. Wallowing never got anyone anywhere.

I will still be here to help you – but I can’t do it all. You have to keep kicking, too. Your support system can be a buoy, but the waves toss them too, you know. So, take control. Find a purpose and accept that the next step is healing.

You will be alright – I promise. Head above water.

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