How to Keep Living

hope2Depression can make you feel like you’re dying. Just this week, I, mercifully, surfaced from a depressive mood swing. I feel like I can breathe again. The mood swing, however, has had some lasting impressions. I’ll explain.

I decided that I didn’t like the feeling of being on one of my mood stabilizers and stopped taking it. Being on two others, I figured I would be fine. I knew better, but I made the choice anyway. After a couple days, I spiraled into depression. One of the withdrawal symptoms from this medication is suicidal thoughts and psychosis. I was perfectly present in my own mind, but it was chaos. I was scared and I was breaking down. That’s where my support system came in. Three of my good friends convinced me to get back on the medication and re-stabilized me. It took time, and a lot of effort, but I held on. It wasn’t easy. I didn’t want to. I wanted to give up. I begged them to let me.

The tough part was how to keep living with the weight sitting on my shoulders. How do you keep going to work when all you want to do is lay in bed? What about school? How do you get your homework done when you can’t even pick your head up? People are starting to notice that something is wrong. How do you hide it? How do you keep living when all you want do to is stop?

The answer?

You just have to try.

I know it hurts. There are no words for it. Just keep trying. Please, hold on one more day. Put one foot in front of the other. There is still life ahead. It doesn’t end here. Keep your eyes on the road ahead, not fixed on your feet. This is temporary, I promise. It will pass. It will. You will survive if you just let yourself.

When all I wanted to do was give up the fight, my friend Zach told me just to hold on. I’m telling you the same thing. Just hold on – give me all you can. I promise you can do it. You can, I know you can. I love you.

Keep kicking, please. Don’t let the waves pull you under. I’m always here, right beside you. Head above water.

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