Today, I went out to think. I had been writing in my journal, trying to clear my head, and then I had this urge to just escape.
Zach and Sabrina found me barefoot on the train tracks. My feet were cold and muddy. I was a little lost. My head didn’t feel right. I remember a man asking me if I was alright because I was missing shoes. I lied and said I was having issues with my husband. (Fun fact, I’m not married.)
I’m not telling you this for any reason other than to communicate that even fully functioning people have moments of insanity. We lose our minds every once in awhile. You see it in movies where the woman runs out into the rain or drops to her knees in the mud, sobbing. These things happen. We all have meltdowns. They are real.
Today, I had one. The thoughts in my head became too much and I found myself a mile from home walking down the train tracks in the cold. Part of me blames the medication I’m on. There’s so much of it. Mental illness is primarily treated with drugs and there are a lot of them. Between OCD, bipolar disorder, and anxiety, I have five prescriptions meant to keep me sane. Sometimes, I think they make me crazier.
So, yeah, today I walked down the train tracks. Today, I had a slight break with reality. It happens. I’m not scared to admit that. It’s part of mental illness. Maybe that scares people, but I’ve learned to cope.
If you find yourself on your own train tracks, remember that you’re still you. I know it can be scary to have those moments. You want to be normal. You want to feel sane. These things happen, though, so give yourself some mercy. Tell your doctor and your therapist, make a plan or some adjustments, just don’t beat yourself up. Don’t judge yourself. We all end up on the train tracks at some point or another. Everyone does – even the people not medically classified as mentally ill (though I’m sure if you went through the DSM with everyone you could diagnose every person with something).
So, try not to be scared. Mental illness can make you feel vulnerable. Just keep swimming with me, one stroke at a time. I love you, I understand you, I am with you. I will walk those train tracks with you. Stay in the fight, and always keep your head above water.