I lie down to bed with my demons every night.
Every night, I end my day wondering if I’ll wake up the same person tomorrow.
I hate that part of this illness. This roller coaster is so brutal. Up and down. Up and down. Over and over again. I want off this ride. I’ll admit, tonight I am desperate to be free of this disorder. I am exhausted by the breakdowns. I’m not sure how many more I can handle. Why can’t I be free of this instability? I just want my feet planted firmly on the ground – and I don’t want it to be done by medication. I hate living in this haze. I can’t stand depending on medication to keep my head on straight.
This month has been hell for me. I can’t lie about it. I’m struggling to cope right now. I’ve relapsed into self-harm and I’ve broken down several times. The mood swings are cycling quickly and my doctors keep adjusting the medication to get them under control. I’m tired. I’m just…really tired.
I’m holding on, though. That’s all I can do right now. When you’re tired, sometimes that’s all you have left. So, when you’re struggling to keep going, just hang in there. Sometimes you don’t have much fight left in you and all you can do is just hang on. That’s okay. Just do that. It’ll keep you alive and that’s all I’m asking for. It’ll pass. One day, it’ll pass and you’ll be able to breathe again.
My head is still above water, just barely, but it is – so hold on with me. We’ll make it.