I had surgery this week, nothing major, but when I was being checked up on by one of the doctors later he asked me something that I haven’t been able to get off my mind. He looked at my chart and asked,
“Who prescribes you all of this medication?”
Now, he very well may have been making a crack at me being some kind of faker or an addict. Who knows? But, what’s been bothering me is the fact that really, who does that? I feel like I’m on so much medication my head couldn’t spin if it wanted to. I feel slow and disconnected. My grades aren’t what they used to be. I’m not so creative anymore. The girl I was a year ago? Gone. I’m not sure if she disappeared with the psychotic break or if she was slowly leeched away by the medication. The one time I tried to find out, when I went off my medication, I nearly lost it, so let’s call that a failure in experimentation.
I wish there was a way to rewind. It’s almost been a year since the break that I still have yet to recover from. I wish I could go back to this time one year ago and warn myself – just prepare that poor girl for the psychotic break that is about to come. I want to tell her about the two month mixed state she’s about to live in, suffering from delusions and paranoia. I want to tell her that she’s about to burn bridges with friends and family, just so she knows…but I can’t. That year has passed and that girl doesn’t exist anymore.
I think the medication is supposed to keep me contained; safe. I know what I am without it and I’m certainly not very pretty. It’s just difficult to accept that I’m not sure who I am on the medication. I am not so bright anymore, not so focused. Is that the price I’ve paid for stability?
If you’re struggling with the same battle, my only advice is to hold steady. We all get lost. Mental illness is confusing. You’re not alone, though. I’m not going to feed you some lie and say it’ll get better tomorrow, but someday it will. I’m waiting on someday. Wait with me.
Head above water.