Unmedicated

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I decided I didn’t want to be bipolar anymore.

After a week of all-nighters, copious amounts of stress, a fight with my psychiatrist, and extreme homesickness, I decided this was not who I wanted to be.

So, I stopped all of my medications.

You can imagine how that went. I began rapid cycling, experiencing mania, depression, hypomania, and a mixed state all within 48 hours. I didn’t eat for days. The withdrawals were brutal. Nauseous and shaking, I laid on the bathroom floor and just cried. I relapsed into self-harm again and I’ve had to keep myself surrounded by people to keep myself safe.

I guess I was just trying to find the girl that existed before the first psychotic break. The girl that wasn’t bipolar, or diagnosed with OCD, or didn’t struggle with symptoms of PTSD. I convinced myself that if I went back to the roots of myself – unmedicated, wholly my own mind – that I would find her and that happiness again.

Instead, my shoulder keeps bleeding on my top, I’m pale and shaking, and my manager sent me home early because he thought I might pass out. I’m sick to my stomach and struggling to keep my emotions in check.

My psychologist tells me all the time that its bipolar 101 to A) take your medications and B) get enough sleep. I’ve failed at all of that this week because I’ve simply refused to accept that I have bipolar disorder…because I so desperately want to be normal and healthy. I don’t want to be afraid that the other half of me will rear its ugly head tomorrow. I want to feel confident in making new relationships, and not terrified that my mood swings will scare everyone away. I want my mind to heal, because it feels very broken right now.

Maybe yours does, too. If it does, I am so sorry. I want you to know that, from experience, I know that time does mend these wounds. The process hurts like hell, but it gets better. Just keep pushing. Take good care of yourself and let others help. You’re never alone. Someday, we’ll all heal. It may not be today, but someday.

Head above water.

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5 thoughts on “Unmedicated

  1. Hey, this is such a lovely message 🙂 You know, there’s absolutely no shame in taking medication. I do too. It’s not like they’ll change your personality or make you a completely new person, they just help you to control your moods and emotions-there’s nothing wrong with that. No one’s normal.

    Are you back on them now? I think your doctor’s right, maybe you do need to stay on them. How are you doing today?x

    Liked by 1 person

    • I started them again today after some convincing from my friends. The withdrawals are still hanging around, but the mood swings are slowing down. Thank you for reminding me that i can still be the same person despite the medication. Ever since I was diagnosed I haven’t felt quite the same.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Good, hopefully things should start to level out a bit more soon…And I guess there’s something about being labelled that can feel uncomfortable and make you feel like a completely different person. But to be honest, I think all of us are a bit bipolar, a bit depressed, a bit psychotic. We’re all a bit of everything really, just perhaps to different extents x

        Like

  2. Ernest Hemingway, Charles Dickens, Ralph Waldo Emerson, Leo Tolsoy, Tennessee Williams, Virgina Woolf, F. Scott Fitzgerald, and Mark Twain are all brilliant minds who lived with Bipolar. They are timeless geniuses. And we have something major in common with them. Try to train yourself not to look at your condition as a curse, it sucks, absolutely, but the most brilliant and wonderful people are like us. Stay strong warrior!

    Liked by 2 people

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