It’s been months since I’ve written anything.
Tonight, however, I find myself sitting at the window watching the fireworks. It’s just me (and Bear, the pup). The TV is on so it’s not so quiet. My roommates have been gone all weekend and for the first time in months, I’ve had to face my greatest fear again.
I am alone.
I haven’t felt this way since I watched Zach and Sabrina drive away in April. I’ve done what Kate always told me to do – stay around people. By keeping myself surrounded, I’ve kept myself from cutting and from entertaining any thoughts of suicide. I’ve been happy and busy and unconcerned. I’ve been okay.
But right now…I’m not.
I relapsed into self-harm again. Probably one of the most minor relapses I’ve ever had, but still…it means something. It’s the end of this streak. This blissfully sweet streak where I haven’t cried myself to sleep because of what a man did to me, where I haven’t cycled through moods with every change in the breeze, where I haven’t had to fight every day to not give in to that little voice in my head that says it’s all my fault.
I sat on the bathroom floor and cried, wondered who I could call for help, but Zach and Sabrina are gone. Rachael is gone. B is gone. Sarah is gone. Kate is raising a family now. I am in this fight alone – completely and utterly alone. I lay down with these demons alone at night and I rise with them in the morning.
The fireworks are reminding me, though, that this darkness is not infinite. There is always light ahead, whether it be in quick bursts that last just a moment or in massive shows that fill the sky. I learned a long time ago to not be afraid of the dark, so I do not put my head down when this fight gets harder, but these lights are making it just a bit more bearable tonight.
Those lights exist all around me, even when I can’t see past the dark. They are in family and friends and music and love. I see them when I’m holding my niece or laughing with my roommates. I can feel them when my dad hugs me or my sister holds my hand.
So maybe they’re not even just a flash in the sky – maybe they’re a steady glow.
I know they are there, even as I sit here alone tonight with new cuts on my body. I will not lie, I am hurting, but I am not allowing myself to be the broken girl I was just months ago. I am stronger and braver than she was, and I am going to find my way out of this darkness again.
I just have to follow the lights in the night.
Remember, keep your head above water. Always.