To the two men that took what was mine,
I just wanted to say something to you. I haven’t spoken to either of you in over two years now. I don’t have to see your faces or hear your names. I don’t know where you live, who sleeps beside you at night, or where you work. In essence, it’s as if you don’t exist anymore.
But the scars on this body remind me every day that you are real.
N, I have not forgotten the months I spent under your thumb, being manipulated and abused in a way no person ever should be. The humiliation has not faded from the times you made me expose myself to not just you, but to your friends. My body still remembers how it felt to be touched so mockingly. The shame still sits so heavily on my shoulders from not speaking up or seeking help. You did so well at twisting my perception of the entire thing. I’ve been drowning in guilt for years because of everything I never wanted.
A, I hope you’ve figured it out. I hope you’re healthy, because I’m not. I remember with perfect clarity how suddenly it all happened. I can’t forget how strong you were and or what it felt like to be stuck there beneath you. I hate myself for just laying there – I can’t even begin to put in to words how much I hate myself for not fighting back. Do you know what you’ve done? I hope you don’t. If one of us can come out of this happy, I hope it’s you.
I want nothing more than to be in a steady relationship and to one day become a mother, but you may have taken that from me. You see, all my body and my heart know now is that form of abuse. My brain won’t stop telling me that all my body is good for is pleasing a man. I’m weak under pressure now – I feel worthless under the eyes of a man. I allow that abuse.
Are you hearing me? I allow it now.
This body that was designed to love and to carry children has been tainted. It feels damaged and I would be ashamed to give it to any good man. So, ever since you, it has seemed okay to me that it be used for someone else’s wants. Do you have any idea how disgusting that makes me feel? I destroy every good and safe relationship because it just doesn’t feel right that I would allow a decent man to even lay a finger on this ruined body.
You took everything from me.
I want to give you something right now, though. This you don’t have to take. I want to give you my forgiveness.
Both of you made terrible choices and mistakes, but you have the power to do so much better now. You both have incredible lives ahead of you if you can just see what is good and what is wrong. Treat people with respect and love and charity. Find what actually makes you happy rather than just what satisfies you for a few moments.
I want a future stronger and brighter than the past I am leaving behind. I want that for me and I want that for you. The wounds inside all of us deserve the chance to really heal. I don’t know if you think of me, but I often think of you and I want you to know that you are forgiven.
Be stronger than you were.