My body is covered in scars.
It’s no secret, either. They’re not all in entirely private places. Some mar my shoulders, others trickle down my forearms. There is the errant line on my bicep. The thing is, it’s not entirely obvious where they came from. They’re like a bunch of puzzle pieces and the picture doesn’t make sense unless you have the final piece.
There is a thin purple line on my wrist that brings the whole chaotic picture into focus. The scene of purple and red lines is suddenly recognizable once you’ve seen that last detail.
When I carved what was supposed to be the final scar into my own body, I was dreaming of a very near end. This line was everything I’d wanted for so long. All I needed to do was dig a little deeper and duplicate it on the other arm. I would wait patiently for the red to bleed out and then I’d fall asleep and I’d never have to wake up to such a cold world, with such cold people, ever again.
But, clearly, I’m sitting here typing this and not six feet under. So…something must have happened.
Something did, and as cliche as it sounds, that thing was love.
My best friend found me before I could do any irreversible damage. She and her husband implored me to look past these terrible moments that had been strung together and brought me to my knees. They were patient and kind and warm – so much different that the world and the illness and the traumas and experiences that had put the blade in my hands. They reminded me of my family and of the future I would not get to see if I cut another vertical line into my other wrist.
They love me, and I love them, and I am alive because of them.
Living is the hardest thing you will ever do. There are moments, days, weeks, months, and maybe even years you may want it to end. I’ve sobbed in Sabrina’s arms and begged her to let me die over and over again, but I am still alive.
And I don’t regret that – not one bit.
Because there’s something – there’s someone, somewhere – that can save you. There is no definitive ending we can choose for ourselves that is more correct than the one that the universe chooses for us.
There is something, I promise. In this sea, where all you may know is cold and chaos, I promise you there is a life raft floating just for you. Search for it.
Keep your head above water.
I love you.